The photo shows myself this morning, with glasses, and my rat Aldrich. If you will notice I have pierced my eyebrow. I also have a dreadlock, which was due to an impromptu "Alright!" when they were doing them at a party last Wed(?). Beginning to regret that one just a smidge... it hurts like hell and its not "locking"- perhaps the opposite. I don't know how to maintain baby dreadlocks, I thought part of the point was not giving a rat's ass and letting it do its thing, which eventually should lead to a said dreaded lock. I'm being impatient. I cut my thumb open when grating cheese today when I was making a breakfast casserole. I grated a chunk of my flesh. It looked pretty cool at first- Like a really thick hangnail that doesn't hurt like a bitch. I thought "Ah, perhaps it won't bleed, that'd be great!" But sure enough, as I watched it a deluge of blood rushed to the surface and began to spread out of the tiny wound. "Ah shit!" So... That was fun. Well, bandages are fun afterwards... until they hinder you. I cant decide if I like little injuries or not. RAMBLEFEST AUGUST 2010. Tomorrow = first day of classes. I'm honestly really looking forward to this semester. I like my new place a lot, and I feel I learned a great deal about myself this summer, and I cannot wait to go socialize again and try shit out and really get to know some good new people. (SIDE RANT: I really love people. I want to know everyone so badly- but I understand that would be a bad thing. But socializing never took up much of my time when growing up, and now I truly enjoy it, and I'm having to re-prioritize things in my life to accommodate the pasttime in case I intend to perpetuate it). Also my professors are supposedly fantastic, and I bet the classes will be challenging but interesting and really keep me involved so I learn a great deal. I want to invest in everything I come across and actually expand my understanding of things to the greatest extent. And change, I'm excited because I don't really know what to expect, but I'm going to try my best to really enjoy it.
I spent the summer (two months) traveling (camping) around the US and studying geology, anthropology, and ecology through my college's Interdisciplinary Field Program. I took a shit ton of photos- both digital and film, and I'm home now... and I feel like a new born.
I think... just maybe... that things are coming together. Perhaps its been the uncanny resurfacing of the topic of death that has spurned this sudden interest in finally laying out the grid work for my near future. Perhaps its the lifestyle I must adopt for my summer trip and the implications that that approach to existence has for my values and those I will come to develop in the future. I know what sorts of experiences I want to have. And I believe I can make them happen, as long as something unexpected does not barricade me somehow. Which it is bound to do- but at least I now have some rudimentary plan. At least now I feel like I have direction, and that I actually want to pursue this new goal. The program fits in with my personal criteria for the life I want after college, and simultaneously suites the demands of proliferating my debt.
Americorps ... yeahhh. I was thinking I'd do Peace Corps, and get out of the country. But if I do an Americorps program for a year (NCCC) I can have loan deferment and an education stipend to use toward my loans. It will cover about a semester's worth of loans. But if I then go to VISTA Americorps for a year abroad, I can earn another. And then if I were to join the Peace Corps I could attend graduate school while abroad and active, and then have loan deferment and another stipend.
Perhaps I am simply procrastinating "real life". I do not want to be a waitress for some odd number of years and then fall into a career that I'm not interested in and settle down immediately. I think that if I get involved in these organizations, other opportunities for employment will manifest and I will be able to develop new goals, and continue to travel and explore and learn, while earning money to pay back these godforsaken loans (that I'm so glad exist, otherwise I wouldn't be in college at all...).
I think this could work...
On the other hand, if I had my way, I wouldn't be earning money at all. I would be WWOOFing and assuming the likeness of a nomad to the greatest possible degree until I stumbled upon some invigorating opportunity that captured my heart and mind.
But perhaps this method of more direct planning will be more fulfilling. Ahhhh I can't wait to explore!
My weekend was basically ruined because I thought I sent a message to someone I shouldn't have. I found out today, after torturing myself for roughly twenty hours, that I had the wrong number in my phone.
Life is beautiful again now that I'm not the dumbest misunderstood bitch on the planet.
Alright, this past week was a severe disappointment. I started working at Bolton, and my first two shifts I had the shittiest tasks one can be assigned. Dish room and Tables. Its work, so yes I am grateful for the payment opportunity, and perhaps the opportunity to meet some new people, but dear LORD I do not know if it is truly worth 6 bucks an hour(nach Taxes), when I'm there for four hours and .5 an hour is deducted for a meal break.
I had my first test in my German class today. I studied all week and then discovered that... eh, I basically blew it on the first page. At least 20 pts down the drain because I could NOT for the life of me, recall the vocabulary. The vocabulary I'd had three quizzes on and gotten 9/10 each time. Fuck my short term memory. Of terms that were not tested on but would have been helpful in explaining industrialization in Germany before WWI and the conditions of nation after the war, and how all the aspects of each were related, I could not remember "to cause" (verusachen) or "the soldier that was beat up" (which I still do not know). Gah, I have never done that poorly on any language exam. I'm beyond frustrated. Ich liebe Deutsch, und ich kann das nicht machen. Ich muss mehr Zeitstudieren verbringen. Aber ich kann nicht! Ich have keinen Zeit! Ich bin so besetzt, dass ich kaum wach blieben kann. Und ich schlafe an viel, wie ich kann. FUCKKKKK
And Aldrich is expressing Myco symptoms. I cannot afford to take him to the vet... so basically he is going to suffer and make awful noises all night because he is struggling to breath, and I'm just going to sit there and pout and feel terrible. Damnt, I bought the fucking vermin last week and he's dying. If he were a toy I'd take him back, but thats not even something I would consider-I'm attached, I love the little brat, and its a RAT. What have I gotten myself involved in? I do not need any more stress. And although Gimoo is not showing respiratory distress, he is excreting this red goop out of his nose, which is another sign of the disease starting to affect him. So I think both my rats are going to die.
Fuck.
I'm sorry. I'm stressed. This was a pointless rant, because I feel guilty dumping this on my friends over and over again, and I hate hearing myself complain. It just makes me feel worse. And then I get upset that all I'm thinking of is myself. Fuck I gotta toke!
I changed Wombat to Aldrich and then invested in a friend for him. His name is Gimoo. (Nikuoro for "rat").
I think all my friends think I'm crazy. My brother said, "Dude, if I ever found out chick I was interested in had a thing for rats, I'd be so turned off." Well. Yeah, I can understand that completely. But the rats are AWESOME. So I do not care. If a guy thats after me finds my rats too disturbing, he doesn't have the backbone required to handle me anyway.
They are starting to have personalty traits I can identify. Gimoo is definitely dominant.
Ugh this next week might suck. I start working at Bolton and have two tests on Friday. But then I go home and see Frank, my Mum, and my sister and Baylee is coming to keep me company while I dog sit at my dad's house. So all the shit I put myself through this next week will pay off very well, but I just have to get to that point....
At this moment he is actually buried deep in this nasty couch that came with my furnished apartment. But other that that he's been a pretty clean little fellow while I've had him. He obsessively cleans himself. And poops in the same spot in his cage. Awesome. His favorite food (that I've discovered so far anyhow) is celery.
I've had a few folks look at me reproachfully when I've told them I am now a rat person. Haha... well I don't know if I'm a rat person but I now have a pet rat, so perhaps they are synonymous? Anyhow, rats are actually fairly intelligent and share a lot of human DNA. This is why (among various other reasons) lats are used so frequently in lab experiments.
So far this rat thing is going alright. We shall see if it goes south.
I'm wasting time before Linguistics. Which I do not want to attend any way. It is far too long and dull... we're just going over the basics of phonetics right now. Its all inane details, not the interesting information that actually applies to reality. I'm passionate about languages and cultures and how the human brain works. But this is like learning how to put a new puzzle together-- only, unlike learning an actual language (which I consider to be a sort of puzzle) barely anyone understands this shit. I sure as hell can't write out English phonetically and pass a note in class.
This is a picture I took of some small items I collected throughout the day a few weeks ago. I really liked their textures.. so I loped 'em down in the sun light and pulled out my macro lens. Of which I am very fond. And need a x10 supplementary lens attachment. Donations accepted.
Taken on perhaps the first sunshine-spoiled day of the year. Spoiled in the I-love-my-child-dearly-and-cannot-stand-to-see-anything-but-a-smile-upon-their-face fashion. It was genuinely glorious.
Ugh, I'm exhausted. I've been doing almost nothing but shuffling through Craigslist Athens for the past few days... Madison and I went and looked at a house this morn and it was lovely! But it had a gnome bedroom which pretty much voided our interest.
We know very few gnomes well enough to invite them to be housemates. Besides, I've heard rumors that they have stink issues.
Speaking of which, I'm considering investing in a rat. Yes. A rat. A pet rat. Of the fancy variety.
A few people I have mentioned this to have called me crazy, but its not as if that has never occurred before. I'm rather fond of rodents; just not gerbils or guinea pigs. I like mice and rats, so it is only logical that, consistent with my preferences, I purchase a fancy rat. Or a dumbo rat. Which ever happens to strike my fancy. So probably fancy.
Anyway I did some research. Apparently you can train them to shit in one place (although with piss its a different story. Esp. with males, as they are fond of territorial markings...) and they respond to their names when called. I calculated the original investment to be roughly forty dollars. Unless I can find a nice person on Craigslist to give me a cheap aquarium or cage. Then it will be about twenty bucks!
Returning to this Craigslist ordeal. Madison and I are in desperate need of room mates... and I found some personal ads on there for folks wanting roomies that truly seem like some people she and I would get along swell with. However, personal ads on Craigslist give me the heebiejeebies. Or whatever its called. I feel like it is truly not an ideal place to meet someone you will live with for a year. But... maybe? I'm not sure. I'm just hopeful.
Mostly I'm frustrated that everyone else is settling on houses that they do not have enough people for and won't compromise. If we all compromise then perhaps we can find affordable, classy solutions.
I think I am going to have to bail on my date tonight. Last night was sort of taxing, so I don't think I can do it over again with another person.
I think perhaps I am too nice. I don't want to upfront say "Yeah, nahhh I'm not interested." So I try to relay it in subtle hints. But guys are FUCKING DENSE. But at least by the time I decide I must cut them down its less surprising. Or at least I hope so. I don't want to lead any one on. But I do want to be friends with all of them :( and I don't think it works that way. I'm friends with all my exes... some I'm better friends with than others, but I'm certainly on good terms with all of them. I just hate to think I have to date guys before I can become friends with them unless they're gay or psychotic.
And then I tear their hearts out and proceed to grind them into highly processed hamburger meat.
Not intentionally.
I'm a little upset. I have tons of school work to do and I can't balance my leisure-needs with it. I have tons of books I'm in the middle of reading and many I would love to start soon. There is a shitload of new music to explore! And I would like to improve my photography and painting... and creative writing skills. AND I need a job so I can afford the program I would like to attend this summer. If anyone has 4600 bucks they're not sure what to do with, please comment and we can arrange something. Your investment: All the awesome shit I will get out of participating in this program.
Breakfast this morning consists of coffee and a banana. (And probably granola and a bagel later, and the last of my skim milk). I'm pretty happy with this banana. Perfectly ripe in my book. (When they have all the dark freckles and are slightly beginning to brown) ... Speaking of food I baked these last night around one AM. Fucking melt-in-your-mouth-delicious. Like whats-his-face's Wads on that shitty movie Accepted.
One thing I find myself recently aching to do involves running through a crowd frantically. With no destination. I have often entertained myself by speculating that the acts of others in public are not genuine, but rather the deliberate self-serving ploys of the bored. Especially in college.
Some things are obvious though- like last year when I saw that kid running around campus in a Spiderman costume.
I would like to be more subtle. I could simply run everywhere. No one questions you when you're running through a throng of people, apologetic and wincing. "Excuse me, excuse me, so sorry, I'm sorry I need to get by! Please let me through! I'm sorry-- excuse me!" Or I could even mumble it in German. "Entschuldigung! Bitte!!!" Hah. A foreigner dashing through a crowd. I love it.
I could motivate myself by pretending I have some one to save- or making way like a reporter getting to the scene of a crime, a camera man trailing behind in earnest. "We need to get through! Excuse us its an emergency!"
And then I'd have some lovely, pure confusion caught on tape. I love how the masses react. Everyone sort of mimics one another. (Which is terrible in the cases where people are murdered on the street or robbed and people just stand around and stare. DO SOMETHING YOU ASSHOLES.) Ehh... it wouldn't be good if the group of folks I decided to bolt through then became intrigued and begeistert and began to follow, concerned... But I doubt that would happen unless they could sense commotion or something in the direction I was dashing toward...
Quote of the day (von Montag Nacht): "If it spilled into your lap and popped out your contact it must have been REALLY exciting." -Mein Bruder
Just got out of my political science discussion class.I can say with complete resolve that I am proud of my decision to withdraw from the poli sci 1101 I took last semester.My new teacher, Marietta, is fantastic.His lectures are riveting, unbiased and thought provoking.Now, I’m not a huge fan of politics.The system intimidates me – I have dipped my toes in before, due to the passion of boyfriends or up-to-date pals who approach the topics and issues so fervently that I feel myself itching to involve every particle of my being in the debate.When I don’t have an opinion.
As a side note: Arguing is very difficult for me.I find it fairly easy to fight both sides of the battle, and that doesn’t do me any good.I can easily get caught up in the opposing party’s tactics to distract me, and start arguing about a different aspect of the issue that is irrelevant in order to defend myself.I also find myself to be largely ambivalent about issues.I can make myself care or make myself not care (product of being raised by a father that always offered false promises for the future).But mostly I find it hard to care one way or the other.
I say that now, but I’m about to rant about morality.
So here I am, sitting in Tate 2, eating garbage.Normally I don’t buy my lunch, but I thought I’d indulge today.Mistake.This is not indulgence.This is punishment.Supposedly Teriyaki Chicken, but it tastes like Styrofoam drenched in vinegar.Joan River’s sunken face is stretched across the HDTV mounted to the wall, she looks like her dentures are missing.I will never have cosmetic surgery.
I mean I considered a boob job but no way in hell could I ever justify that financially or internally. Who wants to be fake?I remember getting my braces off summer after my junior year of high school and feeling devastated as soon as I learned they were installing a permanent spacer.I’d never be able to run wild and free in the rainforest!I could never be completely natural!I can take off my clothes, take out my earrings, let my hair dye grow out... but I can never remove that spacer.I will be eternally linked to western medical practice.Some call it a blessing.But I’ve never had a cavity so I fail to see the point of my attendance at dentist appointments.
I do, however, see the value in my attendance at my new political science class.Especially the discussion.In the past I’ve rarely participated in group discussion for my classes... way back into high school.Perhaps due to my timidity.But recently I have been working to evolve out of that comfy cocoon of “say-nothing-and-you-shaint-be-judged”.Partially because that’s not true.Partially because there is a big bright world out there and if I keep my mouth shut I won’t experience what it has to offer.Its taken a great deal of time and effort on my part, but I’m a few steps away from abolishing my shy tendencies.
I could tell today in class. I wanted to talk.I wanted to share my opinion and participate and be heard.And my voice was steady!Hellz yeah!You have no idea what a triumph this is for me.Junior year high school honors lit- I had to read a speech I wrote about Euthanasia to the class.I argued for it, but my voice shook the entire way through.I could barely breath.And I was making everyone in the room feel terribly uncomfortable.Yuck.
Anyway.Morality.It came up--- does society need religion in order to be moral?
I brought up Richard Dawkin’s theory discussed in The God Delusion about morality evolving separately from religion.I said that without religion society would still be moral because it is in society’s best interest.Without morality nothing functions!In order to benefit from the wonders of a large society, man must develop morals.If religion is the truck they drove in on, so be it.But ultimately it is in everyone’s best interest to be good and civil to one another.
The girl behind me immediately raised her hand when it appeared I was finished and shared that she’d been brought up in a heavily Christian household and her parents had taught her what was wrong and right through those teachings.Without that guideline, she does not know how she would have learned her morals.
It was the end of class, we’d already run over, so I couldn’t reply.I would like to have emphasized that its in the best interest of people to be good!If we cannot trust one another at all, society falls apart.And then I would have embarked on the line of thought that would have upset her.. that morals obeyed purely on the basis of religion are not morals.In my opinion.Whoa re you being “moral” for?Are you merely obeying God’s will, or do you believe what you are doing is truly right?And for some that is one and the same... but I feel as if some folks are just trying to avoid hell, and do not truly see the beauty of morality.If you are immoral, sure, you’re going to go to hell.I don’t believe in heaven and I don’t believe in hell, and I still avoid being immoral.Its not conducive to my happiness.It won’t get me anywhere I want to be--- my life would fall apart around me.Killing my sister is wrong.Raping a little boy is wrong.Stealing someone’s wallet is wrong.Not wrong because the act will condemn me to hell (unless I ask forgiveness!) but wrong because it hurts other human beings, it affects their livelihoods.
I hesitate to begin this madness,yet again... but recent events have inspired me. I highly doubt this will last over a few weeks. If I retain my insanity perhaps it shall prevail. And my brother shall scoff at me. And I shall stand up straight and yawn.
Yuck, this is not starting off smoothly. I should stay off the reef. Not likely to happen, though, I'm afraid.
