Unruhige Finger, Und So Weiter

Smoking cigarettes.

Is it just not easy to sit alone and ponder life without the justification of combating idleness? Said combat offered by some pointless action that does nothing but negate immobility. I went outside last night, around ten pm. I wasn't having the most pleasant of evenings, seeing as how I was allowing my self-analyses to drag me down. I had been moping about my room suspended in this production-robbed time-warp called "waiting" and had decided to pick through my journal - just as something to DO. Came across some things I hadn't quite confronted.

So I thought it best to get some fresh air. Sit out and dry out after sinking a bit too deep. And pump my lungs full of tar? What solace does that truly provide me?

So I've been a vegetarian for two weeks. And I will throw my hands up in due acknowledgment, I succumbed to my love of pulled-pork BBQ in that time frame. I was sitting outside, listening to the distant roaring crowd and horrible music blasting at some concert not a mile away that I hadn't even been aware was going to occur... (Which disturbed me partly because I could tell from the booming of that damn raucous crowd that many, MANY people had been aware of it) and sucking on a cancer stick while contemplating my decision to commit to avoiding meat. Among other things.

The unknowable "them" gathered together not so far from me mocked my ideals. I had decided to try and do my part in helping the environment; to prevent it from getting so much worse. No doubt in my mind the power of one person committing to a cause being valid, I did begin to wonder whether or not it truly mattered in the scheme of things. I recalled watching some comedian, I believe Bill Maher, who had said something along the lines of the earth always being here. Environmentalists talk about protecting the wilderness and avoiding disaster- but really the planet will be fine. After we've polluted the air and water and cut down all the trees and shit all over the thing we depend on for survival, it will go on. Humanity is the one in danger. Humanity is the one that will become extinct. The planet will repair itself and live on.

I took a drag of my menthol cigarette.

So I should be munching cabbage for humanity. Was I? I'm not even sure any more. That decision was made two weeks ago, why bother trying to regurgitate it? I'll just have to trust myself, because I know I make well thought-out decisions and I have nothing to regret. The truth is all the marijuana and aspartame have greedily chewed away at my "memory chords". I don't want to admit that.

Feeling depleted and useless at the notion of my misdirection and ambiguity, I decided not to think about it. Which bothered me more. My guilty conscious kept dragging it back up. "Why are you doing this?" "Should you do it for humanity?"

I'm doing it for a multitude of reasons. Ecologically, tons of energy is wasted in meat production, and tons of pollution is produced. And I'm sort of fond of animals, but that wasn't the driving force. And perhaps it was a side-ways approach to battling my self-image. I could never go on a diet, food is my haven... and because I'm physically dissatisfied (whether or not I should be is beside the point. I hate to admit my submission to American popular culture and mass media, but I've succumbed. And this is another source of self-dissapointment) perhaps through another mode of action with substance that would affect my weight I could achieve self-worth in both realms.

Smoke curls caught by incandescant street lamps.

I ate a ham sandwich today for lunch, and sausage links at breakfast. I bought another pack of cigarettes this afternoon.

Incredible Credibility

Not quite sure where to begin. Perhaps here.

The sociological impact of being at college (on the individual) is astronomical... and rather intriguing, in my highly admired and sought-after opinion (Pah!). At least its affecting me in ways I didn't entirely expect. The constant exposure to peers has me re-evaluating my self-image on a constant basis. Over half the people I pass by on the sidewalk in between classes or on spontaneous strolls do not strike me as role-models, but I find myself unintentionally comparing myself to them, and thinking about what my values should be based on what I see. How should I present myself to the world?

And then I decide I'm weak, and I love eating to much, and vanity is a whole bunch of Hulla-Balloo anyhow.

Problem solved.

Haha, yeah just focusing on that material, mundane bullshit. Makes me ashamed to call myself human at this point in our evolution. Shouldn't we be moving past this crap by now? Shouldn't I?